There’s no Denying it any Further; I am Depressed

Day 1 – april 26, 2013

I am depressed.

I am nearly totally out of money.

I’ve not worked in over a half a year.  I have nearly completed exhausted my savings and resources.  In the last few months I have been selling off the handful of stocks I have to pay my minimal monthly expenses (car payment, minimal (if any)  credit card payments, car insurance, health insurance, phone bill, some money for food to my sister, money for my daily coffee fix at Joplin Avenue Coffee or Panera’s Bread Co.).

Currently all I want to do is sleep.

Or look at XXXX on my iPhone.

I am a XXX and XXXX addict that has (again) fallen from his fragile and secular wagon of sobriety and recovery.  If I am honest with myself (I am not always so), then I am not even sure I even want to cease my addiction. On one hand, I know it is killing me, wrecking my consciousness, infusing my (what? psyche? brain? mind? consciousness?) with way more desire than can be healthy.

I am agnostic or atheist; most people would consider me atheist I suppose.  I can no longer accept the idea of a god that is “separate and apart from reality” even though at times I feel a presence and protection that my secular mind can not explain away with science or anything.  The truth is I do not know.  I know I doubt!  I doubt a lot!  I doubt the existence of an eternal soul, of a loving father figure of a god.  The idea that most of my fellow countrymen seem to worship is not one I can understand.  The idea of an “infinite” amount of suffering for no more grievous offense than not believing, is something I find curious and repugnant.  (No human parent could punish a child forever, yet these same people are okay worshiping this monstrosity of a misunderstanding, as surely this can not reflect any “reality.”)

I believe in poetry.

I believe all religions are enhanced when their beliefs are held, scriptures read loosely.  When they are read as and experienced as poetry.

So what?!  How is that helping me? Now? As I sit here with the sirens tempting me towards suicide?  My beliefs are no better than those I stand in judgement of.  I cling to my beliefs (and ironically those “beliefs” I want everyone to know, I can not believe!) and I suffer for them.

For the next two months – or for how ever long it takes – I’m going to try to journal my progression away from the brink of insanity and death and towards health, happiness and engagement.  Otherwise I will end up hiding in the woods in Oregon or Alaska, or on a beach in Hawaii, waiting to die or perhaps accelerating the process with a gun, knife, or bottle of pills).

So here are my problems, as I perceive them:

  1. No money
  2. No energy
  3. Lack of sobriety / recovery from my addiction
  4. Loss of social connections
  5. Loss of hope
  6. Loss of enthusiasm
  7. Loss of faith in anything “eternal” that is leading me closer to nihilism

Which of these is most important?  I have  no clue.  But I had better get one  soon or I will not be around much longer.

Wish me luck.  Prayers are appreciated (I said I was agnostic!).

Shawn

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2 Responses to There’s no Denying it any Further; I am Depressed

  1. singram1028 says:

    What you need are things that move you into ACTION! Your suffering (to me) sounds like all a bunch of ideas, mental constructs, beliefs, thoughts!

    You need to MOVE!

    Walk, run, exercise!

    Listen to inspirational music and talks, watch inspirational movies!

    Meditation is helpful too! Because it shows you where you are overly identified with your thinking (here’s a hint: it’s one word that begins with “every…” and ends with “…where!”).

    I KNOW you have a LOT of ideas! A lot of CREATIVITY! You have a lot to offer the world – quit hiding your light under the proverbial fearful bushel!

    Reading is fine… in moderation I suppose but maybe try something different for a while? Try reading less maybe…. The key question is this:

    “Does reading MOVE you to action or put you back in rumination mode?”

    Read the things that move you! If it leads to rumination, then toss it!

    Priorities! You list SEVEN problems! Why? Is this another tactic to stay frozen in your “paralysis-analysis” mode of inactivity? What is the most important thing on your list?! Might I suggest that it is number 2? No money? Big fucking deal man! Lots of people have no money! Loss of “social connections?” Really? I bet MOST everyone that you ever considered a friend would not be opposed to talking with you today or chatting online or sharing emails, etc. But “no energy?!” Man that’s a KILLER!! You gotta get some energy!! With energy you can not only solve this whole list but actually realize all the things you’ve felt compelled to realize, build, create, etc, for decades!! MOVE man, MOVE!

  2. singram1028 says:

    Carry a stopwatch. When you stop anywhere and are motionless, start the stopwatch running. Try to minimize your stationary times to 1-2 hours maximum. By “stop” I mean “stopped” in a non-productive activity (meditation is excluded from this category of course). “Studying” is not stopped if you are completing chapters and not fussing around with bookmarks, user groups, facebook updates, etc. By “stopped” I mean stopped in leisure reading, daydreaming, napping, idling away hour after hour with nothing to show for it.

    “Stopped” does not include medtation.

    “Stopped” does not include studying – actual, studious studying!

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