Day 1 – april 26, 2013
I am depressed.
I am nearly totally out of money.
I’ve not worked in over a half a year. I have nearly completed exhausted my savings and resources. In the last few months I have been selling off the handful of stocks I have to pay my minimal monthly expenses (car payment, minimal (if any) credit card payments, car insurance, health insurance, phone bill, some money for food to my sister, money for my daily coffee fix at Joplin Avenue Coffee or Panera’s Bread Co.).
Currently all I want to do is sleep.
Or look at XXXX on my iPhone.
I am a XXX and XXXX addict that has (again) fallen from his fragile and secular wagon of sobriety and recovery. If I am honest with myself (I am not always so), then I am not even sure I even want to cease my addiction. On one hand, I know it is killing me, wrecking my consciousness, infusing my (what? psyche? brain? mind? consciousness?) with way more desire than can be healthy.
I am agnostic or atheist; most people would consider me atheist I suppose. I can no longer accept the idea of a god that is “separate and apart from reality” even though at times I feel a presence and protection that my secular mind can not explain away with science or anything. The truth is I do not know. I know I doubt! I doubt a lot! I doubt the existence of an eternal soul, of a loving father figure of a god. The idea that most of my fellow countrymen seem to worship is not one I can understand. The idea of an “infinite” amount of suffering for no more grievous offense than not believing, is something I find curious and repugnant. (No human parent could punish a child forever, yet these same people are okay worshiping this monstrosity of a misunderstanding, as surely this can not reflect any “reality.”)
I believe in poetry.
I believe all religions are enhanced when their beliefs are held, scriptures read loosely. When they are read as and experienced as poetry.
So what?! How is that helping me? Now? As I sit here with the sirens tempting me towards suicide? My beliefs are no better than those I stand in judgement of. I cling to my beliefs (and ironically those “beliefs” I want everyone to know, I can not believe!) and I suffer for them.
For the next two months – or for how ever long it takes – I’m going to try to journal my progression away from the brink of insanity and death and towards health, happiness and engagement. Otherwise I will end up hiding in the woods in Oregon or Alaska, or on a beach in Hawaii, waiting to die or perhaps accelerating the process with a gun, knife, or bottle of pills).
So here are my problems, as I perceive them:
- No money
- No energy
- Lack of sobriety / recovery from my addiction
- Loss of social connections
- Loss of hope
- Loss of enthusiasm
- Loss of faith in anything “eternal” that is leading me closer to nihilism
Which of these is most important? I have no clue. But I had better get one soon or I will not be around much longer.
Wish me luck. Prayers are appreciated (I said I was agnostic!).