Day 2 – april 27, 2013
Yesterday I admitted to being deeply depressed and I listed the following seven “problems” that are currently hold me in a depressive mood.
- No money
- No energy
- Lack of sobriety / recovery from my addiction
- Loss of social connections
- Loss of hope
- Loss of enthusiasm
- Loss of faith in anything “eternal” that is leading me closer to nihilism
Someone (okay it was me!) suggested that what was needed was MOTION! I agreed with him (me!) and then spent the rest of the day fussing with FACEBOOK, reading a bit, and chastising myself for not moving. Oh boy!
I’m committed to a 90 day program to lifting myself from this state. If I’m successful, this blog will record my exodus from hell, if I’m not then I guess this trail of entries will serve as my final “note.” (I’m hoping for the former… today! Tomorrow I may be ready to abandon the whole enterprise…. It’s happened before. The stakes are higher this time.)
To be sure, I need some structure, some overlying artifice on which to hang my recovery (pardon the Freudian word-choice slip there!). I need motion, energy, some hope. The things that can (and have in the past) work to lift me to a more energetic place.
I need to commit to at least three of these four activities everyday.
I’m also working through “A Mindful Way though Depression” which I know the authors do not recommend for someone in the midst of a depressive episode, I feel like I have no other option at present. (The shame of asking for anything today, when it’s been so long since I’ve done anything for myself is something I will have to address before day 87…)
That and finding a damned job! Seriously out of money here!