I hate appearing as weak or ineffectual to her. I think there could be something important still to play out betwen us… Maybe my confession of depression has ruined that possibility. It’s too late to worry about that now; the proverbial cat has escaped the proverbial bag. It is what it is. Still it hurts.
The sleep aid the doctor prescribed is too strong by half! It left me dry-mouthed, sleepy but unable to sleep. I don’t think I’ll continue with those. Taking Wellbutrin again; hope it helps.
Suicide still feels like a logical continuation. I am aware that the mood I’m currently in is temporary. But when I look back over my life there has been very little happiness overall. I feel like I never get what I want. Or perhaps I’ve simply always been over-reactive and the failure to get what I want during formative years has imprinted me with shame and unworthiness. That’s probably a better perspective. And one that lends itself to improvement through meditation.
So many things to do… Still I spin, spin, spin my wheels! Really need to prioritize my lists.
Feel like running away.
